


Mine to love

by Trinxy



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 04:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trinxy/pseuds/Trinxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were mine, just enough that each breath I take keeps getting tough, and every kiss is running out of time. You were mine, but you were never mine to love. A songfic - Between Knockout (3x24) and Rise (4x01). Angsty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mine to love

**Author's Note:**

> This song has been playing in my mind for a long, long time (Kristin Chenoweth – Mine To Love).
> 
> It's so them. The song hurts as much is their story hurting us. Life hard, painful, but sometimes we do have to bare it.
> 
> Disclaimer: Castle's not mine. Unfortunately. So isn't the lyrics.

 

_You happened like a sudden storm that caught me by surprise,_

_in an accidental devastating moment of my life._

_You upset me with your kindness, you upset me with your smile,_

_you cracked my heart wide open and I felt alive for a little while..._

* * *

He just watches her. The steady rise and fall of her chest. The machine she is hooked up to is creating a soft pattern of breaths. It's helping her to stay alive. Helping her to be. Her weak heartbeat beeps through the machine, ruining the perfect stillness of the air around her. It's slow, weak but steady. Her heart is still going. She is still alive.

He can't be still. He shuffles a little closer to her, grabbing the hold of her hand. She has to wake up. She means the world to him. She can't die now. She has opened his heart and made a home in it. She just can't give up now and leave him alone. She just can't.

He sighs as he shuts his eyes. She is not going to wake up today. The bullet wound in her chest is not going to help her to get better, stronger for him. She might not wake up at all, as the fine doctor had already said to him and Jim. Only few hours have passed since her surgery.

"Kate," he breathes out her name. His voice is broken. A lonely tear rolls down his cheek and falls to soft skin of her hand.

"You have to wake up," he whispers, gently squeezing her hand. "You have to."

"Mr. Castle," a voice behind him startles him, waking him from his dreamy state. He turns to look at the tall male nurse looking at him. "Your time is up for now, she needs to rest."

The writer only nods. Of course. She needs to rest. He stands up and leaves the room, his heart constricting inside his chest.

* * *

_You were mine, mine to hold in the rain out in the cold,_

_with a stolen cup of coffee at a place that no one knows._

_You were mine just enough that each breath I take keeps getting tough._

_And every kiss is running out of time._

_You were mine, but you were never mine to love..._

* * *

His coat falls off his chair as soon as it touches it. He can't bring himself to care. He really doesn't notice anything around him. He just wants this ache in his chest to stop. He wants to know that she is alright. That she might open her beautiful eyes and look at him. And he would know that she is alright.

But no. She isn't alright. They sent all of them home: Espo, Ryan and him.  _There's no time for any guests today_ , they said at the hospital.  _She needs to get better._ Only family is allowed to stay.

Family. And Josh. After all, Josh means more to her than him.

He reaches for the whiskey bottle angrily. Ripping off the cap off the bottle, he pours a fair amount of liquid into the glass and gulps it down with one go.

Josh.

He wins.

Always.

It doesn't matter that Kate and him keep each other's deepest and darkest secrets. They are always there for each other. They have lived through so much, almost died each other's arms. How much more is it going to take for her to understand he loves her so much? He even said it to her, when she was laying on the ground. Those beautiful hazel eyes looking at him, the fear and love reflecting from them.

His sob echoes through the apartment.

He can't hold back.

The vision of her, pale face against the vibrant green grass. The darkness of the blood pooling around her body, the crimson shade on her white glove. He can't delete the images from his mind. Another sob rips free from his chest. He just can't.

One glass of the alcohol isn't enough. The tears fall down from his face while he pours himself a second glass. He can't stop. The pain is too much. He lets the tears fall free, strangled whimpers breaking the silence of the loft.

* * *

_We kept each other's secrets and we never made demands._

_It was so exciting never making any kind of plans,_

_We tore up all the rule books and we cast them to the wind,_

_now I'm left just chasing pages trying find myself again_

* * *

He is drunk. He feels calmer now. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. The alcohol has dulled the heartache in his chest. Oh, it feels so good not to feel that pain. He doesn't want to feel at all.

The images keep floating in his mind. The time they spent together. Her smiles. Her "looks". Holding hands. Stealing each other sentences.

Even in his alcohol-induced haze, he smiles. Her laughter rings in his ears. So lively, joyous. He yearns to listen it again.

He feels the kiss they shared on his lips. It was completely wrong time to kiss her, but he couldn't help it. Then, he sees another one.

L.A. She had discarded her shoes and she was holding them in one hand. Her bare feet digging through the glassy sand, her tiny toes so perfect.

He had brought her down to the beach in Malibu, to eat and see the sunset. Softly, he had taken her hand and they just walked down the beach. Like friends, not lovers. They were never lovers. Just as the sun had set, she had stopped. She leaned in closer and placed a kiss to his cheek.  _"Thank you,"_  she had whispered. For her,  _Always_. Whatever she wants.

For a moment. He feels happy. Those memories of her make him happy. But this doesn't last long.

He hears a gunshot again, he sees her falling down.

" _Kate, please don't go. Stay..."_ he whispers to the empty loft as he fells asleep, deep sobs racking through his body.

* * *

_You were mine, mine to hold sharing tales we never told,_

_on a long lost day last summer with the sand beneath our toes._

_You were mine, just enough that each breath I take keeps getting tough,_

_and every kiss is running out of time_

_You were mine, but you were never mine to love._

* * *

He wakes up in the next morning. His headache is matching the pain in his chest. He shouldn't do that anymore. He shouldn't drink away his pains. It only makes it worse.

Groaning, he gets up from the chair he was sleeping in and heads to the shower. Clean clothes, clean shave; he needs to head back to the hospital.

When he arrives, Josh is already sitting at her bedside, stroking her fingers. She is still sleeping. She is still under the machines - not breathing on her own. His heart sinks. This is not good.

He clears his throat and Josh raises his glance from her.

"Hey," he greets the writer. "Come in."

Castle is hesitant. He has never talked to Josh before. Well, not much. Their fight in the hallway the day before is forgotten. He sees the flash of hate going through his eyes for a moment, but his gaze settles to dislike.

Castle steps closer.

"How is she?" he asks tentatively.

Josh sighs. "Not good, she doesn't breathe on her own still. We are taking her off the machine in the evening. If she starts breathing, she will be alright."

"Oh," is the only thing he says. His mind can't form words anymore. She looks so small under those hoses and wires surrounding her. Her skin looks so white, almost gray, against the bed sheets. She is still her. She is there. Fighting.

He sighs and sits down to the chair.

"I need to go for a moment," Josh says to him. "Can you look after her?"

"Sure," he mumbles, scooting closer to the bed.

As Josh leaves the room, he reaches for her hand. He brings it to his lips. Her fingers are too cold and pale. But he doesn't care. It's her. She needs to be better. She needs to open her eyes. For him.

"Kate, I miss you," he whispers against her skin.

* * *

Josh comes back, so he needs to leave again. The tall doctor tells him that there's no point of him hanging around the hospital when she isn't awake. It will only hurt him. Josh makes him to leave the hospital. For days. He promises to call when she wakes up.

He can't. Kate is his, but she isn't. She holds his heart in her hands, but she doesn't belong to him. He just can't leave, not entirely.

He heads to the precinct, to see if he can help out the boys. He needs distraction. He needs it so badly.

* * *

_You were mine just for a minute like a roller-coaster ride._

_I was scared when I got in it then I laughed until I cried._

_Now I'm back at the beginning and I'm walking out the door_

_'Cause you know I just can't do this anymore, oh you know I just can't do it anymore_

* * *

The call comes in two days later. The ringing of his phone echoes through the bullpen. Josh's message is short in his ears:  _"She is awake"._ He scrambles off of Espo's chair and makes himself look presentable. Grabbing his coat, he is halfway to the elevator. His heart is singing, beating fast in his chest. She is awake.

When he enters the hospital room, Josh is there again. Luckily, he has to go. Leaving them alone together.

She looks more alive than she did a few days ago. She is still a bit blue, but at least her hazel eyes are open.

She smiles weakly at his jokes. But she is distant, guarded. When he asks about the shooting, a flash of love runs through her features, but she hides it quickly.

She doesn't remember.

Anything.

His heart sinks. She doesn't remember him confessing his love to her. And now, she is making him leave.

" _I'll call you, okay?"_

He does what she asks. He leaves. She doesn't want him around. He feels the disappointment on his tongue and the tiny tears pressing out from his eyes. He holds it in as long as he can.

Of course. He will wait for her. But it hurts. Coming in second, it hurts.

Josh has won.

She was his for a tiny moment in time. But in the end, she was never his to love.

He steps out of the hospital, the worry, disappointment and hope mixing in his soul.

He needs to let her go. For now.

Only thing he can do is help to find the sniper. He reaches for his phone and dials Esposito.

* * *

_You were mine, mine to hold now the leaves are turning gold,_

_And the years we spent together burns forever in my soul._

_You were mine just enough that each breath I take keeps getting tough._

_And every kiss is running out of time wish me luck I'll be fine._

_You were mine, but you were never mine to love..._

 


End file.
